Sounds like I am comparing MacIntosh apples with MacIntosh apples doesn't it?
There is a difference though, a big one.
Since I like dictionaries so much I'll give you a hint:
From Merriam-Webster -
es·teem
noun \i-ˈstēm\
: respect and affection
Full Definition of ESTEEM
3
: the regard in which one is held; especially : high regard
Well, first, lets look at confidence:
con·fi·dence
noun \ˈkän-fə-dən(t)s, -ˌden(t)s\
: a feeling or belief that you can do something well or succeed at something
: a feeling or belief that someone or something is good or has the ability to succeed at something
: the feeling of being certain that something will happen or that something is true
Now this sounds more like something I want to teach my kids to have! To be!
How do we get there?
In self esteem books they always say that you should never say "No" to your child. That a child cannot be "spoiled" by giving in to them, instead it develops a healthy level of self esteem. I agree. If you never hear your parents telling you that your behaviour is bad or wrong then you will always hold yourself in high regard. If you are never forced to accept responsibility for your own actions and all the people around you cater to your wants and needs, wouldn't you grow up to view everything as being your due without effort? Is this not the way indolent rich aristocrats live? This makes a child feel like the world owes him something for just being alive.
Confidence can only be built by accomplishing things. Knowing you are a great cook or knitter or carpenter or mechanic gives you confidence to pursue a career in the field. Knowing where you are limited allows you to focus your energies on things to improve or mitigate in your own life thereby increasing happiness. Confidence allows you to stand firm in your beliefs, convictions and ideas, but also allows for the possibility and open-mindedness needed for progress. Self confidence makes for better people.
So why the push in the last 20-30 years for more self esteem? I thought it was just lazy and immature parenting, but this freedom movement is making me think it is a little more insidious than that. The facts are still true so we'll examine them. First, let's examine the idea that parents are immature and lazy.
I remember being a little kid and getting sent to my room. I would stomp off mumbling to myself about how my parents were sooo mean and if I ever had kids I'd never send them to their room or say "No" or make them tidy their room or...you get the idea. Does this sound like parents today? So it would seem that those little kids never grew up to understand WHY their parents sent them to their room. I also see parents relenting when their kids push because they are "too tired to fight" or "This is easier", this makes me think they are just too lazy to take time to be a parent. The problem is that as your kids grow their behaviour gets worse, not better. Kids don't just wake up one day and realize that they are selfish, indolent and rude. They don't turn 18 and suddenly know how to wash clothes and cook. These are essential skills they need to survive in the real world or pay someone else to do for them.
My mother taught me to cook, clean, sew, knit, crochet, macramé, build a house, understand what my mechanic was talking about (to a certain extent), drive, raise my kids, apply first aid, and write legibly among other things. She set standards for my behaviour that were met or I was disciplined. She made mistakes of course, she wasn't perfect, but she knew what her role was and did it to the best of her ability. She encouraged me to be myself while teaching me to strive to be a better version of myself. Sometimes she even let me get away with things if I could properly explain to her why I did not agree with her assessment of the level of safety. There was a small area near my home as a child where all the kids loved to play, but it was on property covered with "No Trespassing" signs and had the potential to be a dangerous place if you weren't careful.
I knew what items were really dangerous and knew to avoid them, I couldn't see the issue with playing there but we'd always get in trouble if we were caught. Knowing that my parents were somewhat friendly with the owner but that they were reluctant to give in to us kids, I spoke with him and asked if there were some way that we could play there with his permission. He made me promise to be careful, asked me some questions to determine if I knew what being careful entailed and then gave me permission to enter and any kids with me would be allowed if they listened to me. He did call my mother to make sure that she was okay with it and willing to promise not to sue him if I fell and broke my neck on his property, but in the end I was able to play there.
I got to play in the junk yard, on the sand dunes, in the creek & pond, in the woods and quarry. I was never even injured in any of those areas and I was a clumsy child (still am). I have hurt myself more at work in an office than ever in those carefree days. My mother was worried more about the trespassing than the danger (unlike most of the other parents) so I was the only kid in the area who's mother actually knew where she was most of the time. It also gave me a safer path to get into town than the big highway (which at 5 years old is not a good place to walk) so I could get some penny candies at the local store. It was about a 1 mile walk from home to the store and most of that was along a big highway, by going through "the Pit" as we called it I shaved off 15 minutes from my time, about 1/4 mile on distance and walked along paths through the forest on a mild hiking trail instead. It came out at the cemetery about a block away from the store.
My confidence in my own abilities made all our lives a little easier because I could take care of myself. I never hesitated to take on a project because I knew that if I put my mind to it I could do anything. Today I am a DIYer and won't buy something I can make for myself. I take on big projects like learning to cut copper, weld, do stained glass, carpentry, plumbing or electrical, canning, gardening and so much more. Every day I learn something new, I get one step closer to being able to leave society and live on a deserted island by myself yet have all of the conveniences of modern life, not that I want to, but I could. That is self confidence and that is priceless!